You guys! I actually woke up extra early today to spend time reading my bible! A true miracle if you know how much of a morning person I am not. I even started this post after I spent time reading because I was so proud of myself and wanted to share. However, my day went quickly downhill after attempting to finish that post.
I have a confession- I thought that I was being so good waking up early to spend time with Jesus. I thought that I deserved a good day after going out of my way to really put Jesus first and I’m ashamed that I let myself think those things.
This morning, after I almost finished typing my blog post my computer froze and wouldn’t let me post what I wrote, I thought I was going to have so much time (since I got up early) and almost was late to work, I was extra cranky from being up at an earlier time than my body is used to (and am NOT a morning person, did I mention?). I started feeling guilty for expecting a great day after spending time with Jesus first thing in the morning.
You see I have to admit, I haven’t been spending time reading my bible like I should be or as much as I wish I was. I desire to know Jesus more but seem to always have too many things to do to really sit down and study His word. I could feel things in my life shifting because of this too and I have been meaning to make it more of a priority. I had been thinking of getting up early and spending time with Jesus first thing in the morning for about a month now but what I didn’t realize was that part of me was doing it because I wanted a better life. I heard of people saying that spending time in the Word at the start of your day sets you off in a better mood. While I am sure this is true a lot of the time- I kind of forgot that Jesus isn’t here just to make my day better. That’s not His purpose at all actually.
I’m the one that needs Him and it’s not to make my day better, although that usually is a byproduct of spending time with Him. I need Him to reset my desires for my life- to set my heart on Him and what He wants for my life. I need Him to remind me of how much He loves me because my weak unfaithful heart forgets that more times than I’d like to admit. I need Him for so many things and if I reduce Him down to just spending time with Him to “make my day better” I’m missing out on so much else He has in store for me.
Just because I got it wrong this morning I am not going to give up. I do desire to put Jesus first in my life and a very real way for me to do that is to pursue Him first thing in the morning- to ensure that He is the first of my priorities. But the desire isn’t going to be because I want Him to make my day better. Jesus never promised us that. He promised us exactly the opposite- that we would have troubles in this life. But spending time with Him makes those troubles seem less significant and more manageable because I am reminded of His great love for me.
I’m interested though- do you spend time with Jesus first thing in the morning or maybe right before bed? I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong time to do it but I’m curious to know what you think about this topic.
I normally have some sort of idea of what I’m going to write when I start my posts but today that is not the case. I have some news that I want to share with you all but don’t really have a format on how I want to share it or what I want others to get from this post lol. As anyone who has been reading along with my blog might already know, the bank that I currently work at has been pending a merger for over three years. We just found out about a month ago that the merger was finally approved, which meant that most people in the building I work in would be losing their jobs.
When I first heard the news back in 2012 that I would be losing my job, it wasn’t quite such a big deal because I was only working part-time anyway. I was still in school and had health insurance through being a full-time student. Then the merger was postponed and I graduated from college and moved up in the company during that time. Right now I am the Imaging Supervisor and I do enjoy what I do but I always knew that there was a strong possibility of losing my job if the merger was approved.
So hearing that the merger was approved about a month ago wasn’t surprising to me. I had a feeling that it was going to happen anyway so I never held too tightly to this job but have stuck around because I will get a severance check if I stay till the end. I just found out yesterday that my last day is going to be March 14th, 2016 and I’m both excited and annoyed about it. Most of the rest of my floor’s last day is December 31st, 2015 and I was really expecting this to be my last day too. I was getting prepared to have to look for another job starting the beginning of next year. The other bank that is merging with us is giving us health insurance for a year after our termination so I am not too worried about that, but one of my goals is to move out next summer and if I stay until March, this gives me a lot less time to look for a job before the summer. Although I am happy about having an income until then.
I really am unsure about what I should do honestly- stay until March to collect my severance (which would help a lot with another one of my goals) or look for a job that is permanent sooner. So this is where I am, excited but confused about the possibilities ahead. It seems silly to have waited all this time to not wait it out and collect severance. Maybe God is just calling me to trust Him a little bit more- having a shorter timeline to find a full-time job but I’m really unsure about what is the right decision but I’m glad I just do not have to make the decision now. I’m going to spend some time in prayer and really seek out what God might have me do.
Well this post was different for me but I really enjoyed it. I think I’ll write more about just what is going on in my life lately more often- especially since those are my favorite ones to read from other bloggers.
So as I mentioned in my post Information Overload, I was convicted about attempting to gain as much knowledge as I could without really dwelling on anything I was learning. I wasn’t realizing that when I try to read as much as I can, I’m forgetting to really take the time to let the information I’m learning impact my actions as well- which means that it’s really not all that useful anyway. I’ve been praying and trying to figure out ways to avoid this and really soak in everything I read and not just read it to get it done.
The one thing that I felt God needed me to realize before I could really make a change was that He showed me that I was constantly trying to check things off my list and rushing through them because I was getting my worth from doing this rather than from Him. He showed me how the things that I was doing for fun we’re literally supposed to be for just that- fun. He wants us to rest in His love and what He did for us, not in what we can accomplish every day. Talk about conviction. But how amazing is that? It re-reminded me about how amazing our God is and has encouraged me to rest more and strive less.
I also have come up with a few ground rules to try to prevent myself from going into information overload and really try to soak in as much information and rest as I could:
1. Limit the amount of articles/blogs you read in a day.
I was reading an article this week about ways to destress and the author touched on this issue, and said something that really resonated with me. It said, “The amount of information your brain can process is limited.” I guess I kind of knew this but to actually read that it was a fact made it even more real that I can’t just try to obtain as much information as I could- that my brain had a limit and needed rest. Now I don’t know if it’s really necessary to set an actually number of articles or blogs to stop at but at least for me, I can feel when my brain needs a break and I’ve started listening to that more and stopping then rather than trying to keep reading more because I felt like I wanted to know more.
2. Spend time more time with Jesus in the word or in prayer.
This is especially important if you struggle with getting your worth completely from Jesus and not from your accomplishments like I do. I’m convinced if we spend more time either talking with Jesus or learning more about Jesus then we will be reminded of His great love for us and won’t feel the need to strive for more. The key to this is to not make spending time with Jesus something that you “have” to do though. We will only feel fulfilled by Jesus when we come to Him in complete surrender, rather than as something we must do. He loves us too much for that.
3. Only do things for recreation when you actually want to.
This one may sound really weird to some of you if you don’t struggle with this like I do but I realized that I was even adding fun things on my to do list and felt like I had to do them, which was taking the fun out of the “fun things” as you could imagine it would haha. I felt like I had to do these things to feel good about myself. God opened my eyes to this and I have been working on it and only try to do fun things when I really want to do them and not when I feel like I should or when I feel like I “have” to rest.
This has been a process and I still do struggle with it but now that my eyes are opened to what I’m doing I am at least attempting to stop. I want to get my worth from Jesus alone but I won’t does anyone else struggle with this? And if you do, do you have any helpful tips?
I was angry and upset and seriously questioning God at this point. I had really believed that God had led me to Tommy to possibly even marry him one day. Everything just seemed to line up so well when we were together and we seemed to be so similar but I just couldn’t understand why God allowed us to break up. I know now it was only temporary and we just had more growing to do before we were ready to be together.
We were broken up for about two months before I texted him (at around 3 in the morning) one night. I was actually out at a bar with one of my friends and I hadn’t been able to get Tommy out of my head ever since we broke up. How could two people seem so good together and just not work out? Tommy was obviously not up at this hour (obviously) but actually answered me an hour later (I was already asleep) and he thought I needed help with my car or something and I was texting him to ask him for help changing a tire or something haha.
We decided the next day to stay friends and see what happened. I think we actually ended up hanging out again just a few days later. It only took us two weeks to realize that the feelings we had over the summer were still there and we couldn’t just ignore the situation. I was really nervous but really eager to see where this could go. I had always felt like God was there in our relationship when we dated over the summer so I didn’t see any harm in giving it a real shot this time- especially since Tommy only lived 10 minutes down the road now!
So on October 30, 2014 we made it official again and that is why this post is half titled “One Year Anniversary”. Today is our one year anniversary and I wouldn’t change anything about what brought us to this point- even the hard times. It all makes me really appreciate what we have today and makes me realize just how special it is. Tommy still to this day treats me like I am the most special person ever and I have never loved and respected someone so much. Tommy’s the only that I finally “made it” with but even though that is still special to me I realize that that’s not what it’s all about anyway. Doing things God’s way and giving Him the glory in our relationship is what makes it so special, its what causes me to believe that we can make it through anything- because we are following His design and always striving to give Him glory.
Over the past year we have done so many things together- we’ve had so many “firsts” and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. We’ve had our bad times together but the good times ALWAYS far outweigh the bad. My favorite part about our relationship is that we are very committed to doing things God’s way- we mess up daily but always know that He extends grace upon grace to us in those moments. I hope to always be a light of hope and grace in Tommy’s life and I hope he knows that I will always be there to support him in all that he does.
Happy Anniversary Tommy – I couldn’t ask for a more perfect boyfriend<3
I’ve always been one of those girls who wanted a boyfriend- someone I could spend most of my time with and genuinely have a good time with. I always thought it would be an awesome thing to meet my future husband at a young age and end up getting married young and getting to live out my life with my husband. Growing up I’ve had a few boyfriends that I considered to be serious but I never really considered God’s way of having a relationship. I always cared about what He wanted for me but I wanted a boyfriend too much to really seek out and follow His design because I knew it would mean I would have to wait for His timing and let me tell you I was too impatient for that. So I took things into my own hands, thinking I knew better. I always envied those couples in high school and college who made it to their one year anniversary- in my eyes that was when you had “made it” as a couple. I know it’s not true but in my head if someone stayed with you for a whole year that meant that they really loved you and there was a way less chance of them ever leaving. My relationships never made it that long but I always longed for that someone that I could “make it” with and feel as if we were in that serious relationship where I wasn’t afraid of them ever leaving anymore.
After going through a few heartbreaks I finally decided that I didn’t know what I was doing when it came to dating and I really desired to do things God’s way. I was tired of feeling so broken and alone and finally came to terms that God probably knew way better about this whole marriage thing than I did. It took me a while to fully let go of my control in the situation and just allow God to work in my life (a story for another day) but when I did it was more amazing than I could ever imagine and I still am in awe of what God is doing now.
About two years after I came to my breaking point and decided to follow God’s design for dating and marriage, I was introduced to Tommy. I had a friend named Steve (also Tommy’s friend) who knew I was a Christian and had a plan to only date Christians because that was what God had commanded. Before I even knew Tommy, Steve started snap chatting me pictures of Tommy with the caption “your next boyfriend”. I thought it was funny but didn’t think anything of it because well obviously I didn’t know Tommy. Little did I know, Steve must have been joking around with Tommy about this too and actually trying to set us up because Tommy added me on Facebook shortly after the snap chat incident. I still didn’t think anything of it because well Facebook is just Facebook and just because you’re friends with someone on there doesn’t mean you’ll ever talk to them. I actually distinctly remember going through his profile pictures and thinking that he was too good looking for me and that he wasn’t ever going to talk to me anyways (although I did want him to because I knew at this point that he was a Christian 😉 ).
I don’t remember exactly how long after this but Tommy actually ended up texting me! I still remember how excited I was when I found out it was him. 🙂 Apparently Steve had been pushing him more towards me and actually even given Tommy my number- without asking me I might add (good thing Tommy was such a good catch haha). Steve knew we both went to the same church and I guess thought that we would make a good couple.
Tommy and I texted for the next few weeks and I had started to develop a serious crush on him. We just then started learning how similar we are- we’re seriously the same person just different genders, it’s quite strange but seriously awesome at the same time lol. But anyways this was the start to discovering just how similar we really were and I just felt like God had brought him into my life for a reason. We ended up meeting at a Dunkin Donuts- Steve actually tricked me because he was hanging out there with Tommy and a few other friends and invited me to come (actually begged me to). I thought Tommy knew I was coming and that’s why I thought Steve was begging me to (I later found out Tommy had no idea Steve had invited me and had wished me met someone nicer than Dunkin haha). I almost didn’t go because I was soo nervous to meet Tommy but decided to go because my hair was straight and I knew I looked nice that night haha. 😉
Steve actually ended up leaving only about 15 minutes after I got there and I was left with Tommy and a few of their friends- it was insanely nerve raking to say the least. Tommy and I are both shy but talked a little bit and ended up staying for a couple hours after Steve left and he even hugged me goodbye when we left! It’s really cool how perfectly I remember all these little details of our story even almost two years later.
(We actually figured out that this actually was not the first time we met. We grew up in the same town and had gone to the same party a few summers before this night. Tommy remembers me very clearly from that night even down to the details of what I was wearing haha so cool.)
Tommy and I continued to text and hang out after the night we met in Dunkin’ but Tommy was debating on moving to Lake George that summer so wasn’t sure if he really should pursue a relationship with me considering we only had just met. Once he found out that I would be open to the idea of having a long distance relationship he jumped on board and started really pursuing me.
Our first date was on Easter in April of 2014, we went hiking and he held my hand for the first time. 🙂 I was literally on cloud nine and I was so nervous and excited because I knew that this really had the potential to go somewhere. Not long after (maybe a week or two) we were hanging out again and he brought me to my favorite place to drive to (he didn’t know this then) and kissed me for the first time!! 🙂 The beginning of our relationship literally felt like I was living out a movie. I was seriously so nervous but so happy at the same time.
Where we had our first kiss
Tommy actually did end up moving to Lake George in May of 2014 and asked me out the day before he left. Now you might be confused now because half of this post is titled “One Year Anniversary” but hold on we’ll get to that lol. We started dating and Tommy started a new job in Lake George and I visited him a few times across the span of the summer- and he also came home a few times too. Every time I was with him it literally felt so right- like God was really there and that he had led me to Tommy and I was so excited about our future together.
Every time I went up to Lake George that summer Tommy treated me so amazingly. He took me on dates and took care of me so well. I had never had a guy treat me as if I was so special to him. It all made sense why God wanted me to wait for His timing- if I had known it would have worked out so amazingly maybe I would have been more inclined to listen to Him sooner haha but it’s okay, the time I went through before I met Tommy helped me really appreciate everything Tommy did and still does for me now.
That may sound like it’s the end of the story but honestly it’s far from it- I only left you off in about July of 2014. Things didn’t stay so perfect- remember we were still in a long distance relationship (about three hours) and if any of you have been in them you know first hand they are NOT fun at times. Little did we know- Tommy and I had more growing to do before we could have a serious relationship work between the two of us. The long distance really took it’s toll on our relationship during the late summer. We didn’t communicate well at all when we weren’t together and our schedules really didn’t line up especially at the end of the summer and we barely got to see each other. We actually ended up breaking up about a week before Tommy moved back home to New Jersey.
Sorry to leave yah hanging but this is getting a little too long- check back tomorrow to find out how we end up back together! 😉
My pastor said something in one of his sermons a few weeks ago that I haven’t been able to get out of my head. It was something along the lines of how we live in such an information age and it’s so easy to hear and read biblical advice anywhere. He specifically used an example of sermons- we are able to listen to basically any sermon we want to online and jump from sermon to sermon without dwelling on anything we learned. His fear was that we spend all this time listening to sermons or hearing biblical advice but we never take the time to make a change to our own lives concerning the advice that we just learned.
This got me thinking- do I do this? I am constantly on the look out for more- more blogs to read, more books to read, more pastors to listen to online. I have a mile long list of books I want to read and sometimes I catch myself speeding through the book I’m reading so that I can get to the next one. And for what? Why am I doing this? I’m not even taking the time to enjoy what I’m reading. I even do this when reading my bible sometimes- I want to read the through the whole bible in a certain amount of time and I hate to admit it but sometimes I am reading it just to check it off my to do list for the day. I’ve recently decided to make reading my bible a daily habit because I know how important it is to transforming our minds. But I guess I’d have to it just because I feel admit that reading like I “have” to kind of defeats the purpose of reading it at all doesn’t it? If I’m not really letting this information transform me or using it to spend time with God then what’s the point?
I need to really dwell on the information I’m taking in when it comes to biblical advice if I really want it to transform me. If I’m reading just to get it done and on to the next I’m missing so much. I’m still in the process of figuring out what it means to really simplify my life and really enjoy the things I’m doing. My fear is that I’m always looking for what’s next and never really present in the moment itself.
I think some of these issues are rooted in me being such a performance driven, type A person and I tend to value myself based off of what I’ve done for the day even if that means just finishing a book. I don’t want to be this way though- I want to rest in what Jesus has done for me and really value myself based off of that because that’s the only thing that really matters.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I don’t want to miss the important things in life because I’m always focused on what’s next. Does anyone have any helpful tips? I’m going to really spend time in prayer and try to set some rules to help me make sure to keep me from an information overload- maybe only allowing myself to read 2 books a month or something along those lines to insure that I really am enjoying the moment, I’ll report back sometime next week with what I’ve found and some tips for anyone else who might struggle with this as well 🙂
