This is a letter to an older version of me. One who had so much to learn- especially in the realm of love and marriage. This is also to anyone out there who thinks that all they need is a boyfriend or girlfriend to just be happy. To just have someone to love them for who they are. Know that you already do. You are far more loved than you can ever even imagine. I desperately needed to hear these words back then, and I hope they can help someone struggling with the same things I did back then.
Dear 19 year old, you think you know what you’re doing, Ashley:
I know how much your soul aches and I know how much you are misinterpreting the ache for what you think you need. Your desire for a man who will commit to you and want to love you always is so strong. I know how you think that this is what will truly satisfy but I want you to know how wrong you are.
What will ultimately end up satisfying that ache is Jesus. The one you think right now is keeping you from the joy of a relationship. I know you think that if you choose to continue on in your quest for love on your own terms that you think your savior will abandon you- but how wrong you are, sweet one.
Jesus will never abandon you. There isn’t anything you can say or do that will make Him love you any less. This is the kind of love you so desperately are dreaming for, if only you knew. I know you feel that you’re upsetting Him so much. I know all the shame you feel when you make a mistake and chase a guy instead of Him. Please know that there is grace upon grace. There isn’t anything you can do to make Jesus mad at you.
Let go.
Let go of how you think things should be. Let go of who you think you will be happy with. Let go and let God show you the way. It will not be easy and you will white knuckle your control at times, but it will be worth it- that I do promise you.
The most important thing you will learn is that it is possible to be happy without a man in your life. When you feel like the one thing that you need isn’t there, you’ll learn that all you really do need is Jesus. You need to go through that to really understand it and trust me, you will need this knowledge in the future.
If I told you now that God is going to make you wait two years until you meet the man that is going to be your husband, you would think that was the worst news ever. But let me tell you it is worth the wait.
The man God has for you is far beyond anyone you can imagine and far beyond who you think he should be. He is the most loving, caring man you will ever know and everyday that you get to spend being his is a gift. He is patient with you like you’ve never experienced and loves you way more than I think you will ever realize.
He will point you to God in ways you didn’t even know were possible. Everything will go against what you think should happen now though.
Rest in the fact that God has you right in the palm of His hand and He will never let you go. Rest in the fact that He is all you need.
Xoxo, your much wiser, learned this the hard way, 23 year old self.
I really like to read but never really make as much time for it as I wish I did. Over the past few months though I have been reading more than I normally do and I love it! The most recent book that I finished is called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and it was amazing. I first got the idea to read it off of another blogger who suggested it and I’m really glad I did- it taught me soo much. If you are someone who is in a committed relationship leading towards marriage, engaged, or even married I highly suggest you read this book.
The book is broken up into three different parts and I want to just recap each part for you guys to see if maybe this is a book you might be interested in. The three parts were called: The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, and The Rewarding Cycle
T H E C R A Z Y C Y C L E
In what Emerson calls “The Crazy Cycle” he explains how men and women are very different in the way that they see the world and what they want from the world. He explains how God created men to desire respect above all else and for women to desire love. We see everything based off of these desires and whether or not we are receiving these desires. He also explained how when women are not receiving love the way they react comes off as disrespectful to a man, and when men are not receiving respect the reactions they have come across as unloving to a woman. Even if neither the man or woman mean for the reactions to come across as unloving or disrespectful, Emerson explains that these natural reactions are just picked up by the opposite gender as this way. So this is what he refers to “The Crazy Cycle” because when a wive senses her husband is being unloving, she reacts in a disrespectful way which causes her husband to react in an unloving way and it just becomes a cycle of messiness. Emerson writes about ways to identify what type of signal you might be giving off so that you can be aware and stop the crazy cycle.
T H E E N E R G I Z I N G C Y C L E
The Energizing Cycle is the part where Emerson breaks down the needs of a man and woman and specifically writes out how a husband or wife can meet these needs. He calls this the energizing cycle because this keeps the couple in harmony because each spouse is meeting each other’s deepest need. Obviously we are still sinful people so this never works perfectly but it is super helpful. I never really exactly understood how to show respect or what Tommy really needed from me until I read this book. It opened my eyes to a lot of ways I can love and support him better.
T H E R E W A R D I N G C Y C L E
The Rewarding Cycle is what makes all of this important. Emerson explains how none of this would really matter if we were just doing this for ourselves or to get what we want from our spouses. He isn’t even good enough to just do it to make our spouses happy. Emerson explains that this is all important because it is what God commands from a husband and wife. Ephesians 5:33 says “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Emerson explains that when we obey God in this way it gives Him the ability to work in our marriages and gives Him the most glory.
This book I thought was going to be an easy read but ended up taking much longer than I imagined but this was because it has so much information to get from it. It’s filled with knowledge that I wanted so desperately to soak up every word of it. I lent it to Tommy to read but it is definitely a book that I will probably read over and over because it was so helpful. If you are interested in how to love your significant other better and in a way that will most naturally appeal to them then I highly suggest this book!
I was angry and upset and seriously questioning God at this point. I had really believed that God had led me to Tommy to possibly even marry him one day. Everything just seemed to line up so well when we were together and we seemed to be so similar but I just couldn’t understand why God allowed us to break up. I know now it was only temporary and we just had more growing to do before we were ready to be together.
We were broken up for about two months before I texted him (at around 3 in the morning) one night. I was actually out at a bar with one of my friends and I hadn’t been able to get Tommy out of my head ever since we broke up. How could two people seem so good together and just not work out? Tommy was obviously not up at this hour (obviously) but actually answered me an hour later (I was already asleep) and he thought I needed help with my car or something and I was texting him to ask him for help changing a tire or something haha.
We decided the next day to stay friends and see what happened. I think we actually ended up hanging out again just a few days later. It only took us two weeks to realize that the feelings we had over the summer were still there and we couldn’t just ignore the situation. I was really nervous but really eager to see where this could go. I had always felt like God was there in our relationship when we dated over the summer so I didn’t see any harm in giving it a real shot this time- especially since Tommy only lived 10 minutes down the road now!
So on October 30, 2014 we made it official again and that is why this post is half titled “One Year Anniversary”. Today is our one year anniversary and I wouldn’t change anything about what brought us to this point- even the hard times. It all makes me really appreciate what we have today and makes me realize just how special it is. Tommy still to this day treats me like I am the most special person ever and I have never loved and respected someone so much. Tommy’s the only that I finally “made it” with but even though that is still special to me I realize that that’s not what it’s all about anyway. Doing things God’s way and giving Him the glory in our relationship is what makes it so special, its what causes me to believe that we can make it through anything- because we are following His design and always striving to give Him glory.
Over the past year we have done so many things together- we’ve had so many “firsts” and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. We’ve had our bad times together but the good times ALWAYS far outweigh the bad. My favorite part about our relationship is that we are very committed to doing things God’s way- we mess up daily but always know that He extends grace upon grace to us in those moments. I hope to always be a light of hope and grace in Tommy’s life and I hope he knows that I will always be there to support him in all that he does.
Happy Anniversary Tommy – I couldn’t ask for a more perfect boyfriend<3
I’ve always been one of those girls who wanted a boyfriend- someone I could spend most of my time with and genuinely have a good time with. I always thought it would be an awesome thing to meet my future husband at a young age and end up getting married young and getting to live out my life with my husband. Growing up I’ve had a few boyfriends that I considered to be serious but I never really considered God’s way of having a relationship. I always cared about what He wanted for me but I wanted a boyfriend too much to really seek out and follow His design because I knew it would mean I would have to wait for His timing and let me tell you I was too impatient for that. So I took things into my own hands, thinking I knew better. I always envied those couples in high school and college who made it to their one year anniversary- in my eyes that was when you had “made it” as a couple. I know it’s not true but in my head if someone stayed with you for a whole year that meant that they really loved you and there was a way less chance of them ever leaving. My relationships never made it that long but I always longed for that someone that I could “make it” with and feel as if we were in that serious relationship where I wasn’t afraid of them ever leaving anymore.
After going through a few heartbreaks I finally decided that I didn’t know what I was doing when it came to dating and I really desired to do things God’s way. I was tired of feeling so broken and alone and finally came to terms that God probably knew way better about this whole marriage thing than I did. It took me a while to fully let go of my control in the situation and just allow God to work in my life (a story for another day) but when I did it was more amazing than I could ever imagine and I still am in awe of what God is doing now.
About two years after I came to my breaking point and decided to follow God’s design for dating and marriage, I was introduced to Tommy. I had a friend named Steve (also Tommy’s friend) who knew I was a Christian and had a plan to only date Christians because that was what God had commanded. Before I even knew Tommy, Steve started snap chatting me pictures of Tommy with the caption “your next boyfriend”. I thought it was funny but didn’t think anything of it because well obviously I didn’t know Tommy. Little did I know, Steve must have been joking around with Tommy about this too and actually trying to set us up because Tommy added me on Facebook shortly after the snap chat incident. I still didn’t think anything of it because well Facebook is just Facebook and just because you’re friends with someone on there doesn’t mean you’ll ever talk to them. I actually distinctly remember going through his profile pictures and thinking that he was too good looking for me and that he wasn’t ever going to talk to me anyways (although I did want him to because I knew at this point that he was a Christian 😉 ).
I don’t remember exactly how long after this but Tommy actually ended up texting me! I still remember how excited I was when I found out it was him. 🙂 Apparently Steve had been pushing him more towards me and actually even given Tommy my number- without asking me I might add (good thing Tommy was such a good catch haha). Steve knew we both went to the same church and I guess thought that we would make a good couple.
Tommy and I texted for the next few weeks and I had started to develop a serious crush on him. We just then started learning how similar we are- we’re seriously the same person just different genders, it’s quite strange but seriously awesome at the same time lol. But anyways this was the start to discovering just how similar we really were and I just felt like God had brought him into my life for a reason. We ended up meeting at a Dunkin Donuts- Steve actually tricked me because he was hanging out there with Tommy and a few other friends and invited me to come (actually begged me to). I thought Tommy knew I was coming and that’s why I thought Steve was begging me to (I later found out Tommy had no idea Steve had invited me and had wished me met someone nicer than Dunkin haha). I almost didn’t go because I was soo nervous to meet Tommy but decided to go because my hair was straight and I knew I looked nice that night haha. 😉
Steve actually ended up leaving only about 15 minutes after I got there and I was left with Tommy and a few of their friends- it was insanely nerve raking to say the least. Tommy and I are both shy but talked a little bit and ended up staying for a couple hours after Steve left and he even hugged me goodbye when we left! It’s really cool how perfectly I remember all these little details of our story even almost two years later.
(We actually figured out that this actually was not the first time we met. We grew up in the same town and had gone to the same party a few summers before this night. Tommy remembers me very clearly from that night even down to the details of what I was wearing haha so cool.)
Tommy and I continued to text and hang out after the night we met in Dunkin’ but Tommy was debating on moving to Lake George that summer so wasn’t sure if he really should pursue a relationship with me considering we only had just met. Once he found out that I would be open to the idea of having a long distance relationship he jumped on board and started really pursuing me.
Our first date was on Easter in April of 2014, we went hiking and he held my hand for the first time. 🙂 I was literally on cloud nine and I was so nervous and excited because I knew that this really had the potential to go somewhere. Not long after (maybe a week or two) we were hanging out again and he brought me to my favorite place to drive to (he didn’t know this then) and kissed me for the first time!! 🙂 The beginning of our relationship literally felt like I was living out a movie. I was seriously so nervous but so happy at the same time.
Where we had our first kiss
Tommy actually did end up moving to Lake George in May of 2014 and asked me out the day before he left. Now you might be confused now because half of this post is titled “One Year Anniversary” but hold on we’ll get to that lol. We started dating and Tommy started a new job in Lake George and I visited him a few times across the span of the summer- and he also came home a few times too. Every time I was with him it literally felt so right- like God was really there and that he had led me to Tommy and I was so excited about our future together.
Every time I went up to Lake George that summer Tommy treated me so amazingly. He took me on dates and took care of me so well. I had never had a guy treat me as if I was so special to him. It all made sense why God wanted me to wait for His timing- if I had known it would have worked out so amazingly maybe I would have been more inclined to listen to Him sooner haha but it’s okay, the time I went through before I met Tommy helped me really appreciate everything Tommy did and still does for me now.
That may sound like it’s the end of the story but honestly it’s far from it- I only left you off in about July of 2014. Things didn’t stay so perfect- remember we were still in a long distance relationship (about three hours) and if any of you have been in them you know first hand they are NOT fun at times. Little did we know- Tommy and I had more growing to do before we could have a serious relationship work between the two of us. The long distance really took it’s toll on our relationship during the late summer. We didn’t communicate well at all when we weren’t together and our schedules really didn’t line up especially at the end of the summer and we barely got to see each other. We actually ended up breaking up about a week before Tommy moved back home to New Jersey.
Sorry to leave yah hanging but this is getting a little too long- check back tomorrow to find out how we end up back together! 😉
Okay so today I decided it’s finally the day to recap the vacation Tommy and I went on to the Bahamas almost two months ago! 🙁 I can’t believe it’s been that long already and I still miss it so much. I kept putting it off because when we were on vacation we took all our pictures on Tommy’s phone and I thought it would be easy to send them to mine but by the end of the vacation we had over 100 pictures so it wasn’t as easy as I thought. I wanted to wait until I had the pictures on my phone so I could use as many as I wanted in the post but it looks like that isn’t ever going to happen so I’m just going to do my best to recap it the pictures that I do have on my phone before I forget too many details of it.
We went to Freeport, Bahamas at the end of August. The trip was actually a graduation gift from Tommy and my best friend Kristin. They surprised me with it and it was by far the best gift ever, I literally couldn’t think of something better if I tried. So anyway it was a four night, five day trip to an all inclusive resort and it was so much fun.
When I went to book the flight it accidentally got booked to fly out of Pittsburgh instead of Philadelphia like they purchased from Groupon so at first this was really bad and I tried to get it changed because Pittsburgh is over a six our drive from my house. I called and explained that it was supposed to be from Philadelphia not Pittsburgh but they told me that it was too late to change it and I would have to pay 500$ to fix it. There was no way I was paying that much money so we decided we would just figure it out and we did. We drove to Pittsburgh the night before the flight and stayed in a hotel and flew out the next morning. It actually turned out to be a fun little trip (minus the ride back) but it was worth it.
Tommy driving through a mountain to Pittsburgh! (Blurry sorry)
We flew out on a Thursday morning and got to the resort around 2ish I believe. We had to wait around for check in and it was raining the first day anyway so once we got settled in we took a 2 hour nap. We were exhausted from all the traveling and the nap was glorious. Once we woke up we decided to go and explore. I still have the first view of that water etched into my memory. I’ll never get over how beautiful the beach is.
Our days consisted of waking up, going to the buffet to get breakfast then heading down to the beach to relax. We did a lot of reading (I was reading the Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler and Tommy just read the Bible). We went in the ocean a few times but there was a lot of palm tree branches in the water and it freaked me out to step on them lol. There was also a gorgeous pool that I think we only went in once but was also fun to sit by. For lunch we would head back to our room, change and go back to the buffet. The buffet had pretty good food but there was so so much and we literally ate way too much the whole time we were there (but that’s what vacations for right 😉 ).
After lunch we would hang out for a bit, sometimes go back to the beach but it rained a lot while we were there so sometimes that wasn’t an option. If we were stuck in our room it honestly didn’t bother us too much, we hung out and talked or watched Gossip Girl on my kindle ;). We played tennis one afternoon too and also went to the gym once too (yes this was Tommy’s idea haha). Also before we got ready for dinner we would try to always remember to take a dip in the Jacuzzi 🙂 I’m actually really wishing I could do that right about now!
For dinner there were two options – you could either go back to the buffet, which had different types of food every night – of course we went to Italian night haha – or you could make reservations to go to one of the restaurants in the resort. One night we went to the Italian restaurant, which was pretty good and on our 10 month anniversary we went to an Asian restaurant, which was different but still pretty good. It was really exciting getting to celebrate our 10 month anniversary in the Bahamas.
Italian Restaurant Night (My Fav Pic)
After dinner we usually got drinks at the bar, and sat in this sitting room sort of place that was near the bar. This was actually something that we kind of felt like we had to do – to enjoy the time we had there the most we could – but our introverted selves wouldn’t have minded staying in the room and hanging out together after dinner haha. It was fun sitting and talking with Tommy at the bar though.
So that’s basically it. Some fun/interesting stories include:
A guy came up to us on the beach and asked if we wanted to buy any drugs from him so that was interesting lol
There was another woman who makes money off of tourists and walks up and down the beach and literally just shouts at the girls “Hey lady… hair braided?” and she must have asked me about 5 times while we were there haha Tommy and I now have a joke about it and we’ll just randomly say it to each other now.
Tommy bought a conch shell that’s really pretty.
We didn’t get home until I think 1 in the morning the night we landed because we had to drive back from Pittsburgh and the next day was literally misery lol
There was a crab next to our room door the one night that we names Henry and there were stray little cats on the island and Tommy named one Arturo.
There was a lady that must have been on drugs in the Jacuzzi talking to everyone one day
Henry The Crab!
I think that’s all I can remember. I honestly wish I could go back tomorrow. It was so much fun and so relaxing. The only thing that we didn’t do that we wanted to was go paddle boarding but I kind of chickened out because I got scared to paddle at the waves lol. Maybe one day we’ll get to go back again.
So I just wanted to drop in today and remind you guys how GOOD God really is. If you’re following along with my story at all you’ll have read my post back in July about how God really answered my prayers in an amazing way. Check that post out here if you missed it 🙂 Just to summarize in case you don’t feel like going back and reading, I wrote about how Tommy’s dad let him know that he would be able to get him a job at the quarry that he works at early next year, which ultimately meant for us that we would be able to start our lives together which was really exciting.
I wanted to write this post today to tell you guys that today is Tommy’s first day at the quarry! I’m literally so excited for him and didn’t even realize how much bigger of a blessing this is than I had originally thought. I went back and read the post again and I had forgotten that Tommy’s dad had told him that he didn’t think he would be working with him until early next year.
Tommy’s still working at the same job he was during the day, but is working on a special job at nights with his dad. The start of the special project is such a blessing to us because it made it possible for Tommy’s dad to get him the job there and it gives us the opportunity to save more money. I’m so insanely thankful for Tommy and his desire to work both these jobs so that we will be able to start our lives together. We’re both so so excited about the thought of it.
Lately I have been feeling the presence of God so much and just know that this is exactly where He wants us to be. I’m so excited for my future and for where He is leading me. On a normal day, before Tommy started work with his dad we would hang out and have dinner together – if neither of us had plans with friends and now I’m not too sure when we’re going to have the time to hang out. It’s obviously going to be much less than were used to and I’m a little sad about this but know that it is more than worth the sacrifice.
I’m going to use this time so really strengthen my relationship with Jesus and work on being the person He needs me to be. I also wanna strengthen my relationships with my friends as well. I want to spend more time blogging and start writing consistently. And I also want to start working out again. I also joined an online bible study – we’re going through the book of Ephesians and I’m really excited about that and starting tomorrow I’m attending my first ever small group! I’m equally excited and nervous about this. I’m a very shy person and have been putting off joining a small group because the idea of making friends is a little a lot scary to me if I’m being honest, but I feel like I’m in the place where I want to push myself outside of my comfort zone into greater things. I’m excited for this group because it is held at the house of the leader of the group that I serve on at church as well and I loved meeting this woman and the best part is that the group is going through a book that I already wanted to read on my own! That’s how I knew that this was the right group for me, and because they meet every other week so it’s a little less commitment and a little less scary than every week haha.
But yeah, so that is where I’m at in my personal life – I would appreciate prayers for both Tommy’s job and the small group if anyone would mind praying 🙂
What’s going on in YOUR life? I would really love to know and would love to pray for you as well. Leave a comment or email me – [email protected] ! I would really love to hear from you and be friends. 🙂
